Anticip . . . . . . . . ation.

It's been a while since I posted, and I almost feel bad about that.  Except that I've been living life and sometimes the details get away from me.  It seems like I'm in a race against time, with the clock ticking down, and there's only so much I can do at one time.  I think we've all been there, so I'm sure you understand.

I finished chemo at the end of December and have been enjoying many things that I sort of took for granted before I knew I was sick.

Like eating a big salad.

Or fresh fruit.

Not to mention walking my dogs all the way around the block.

Shocking activities, I know, to all you civilized folks out there in the blogosphere, but hey, I get wild every now and again.

I also started drinking TWO Diet Cokes per day, until my ankles swelled up and I had to see the doctor for an unscheduled visit.  No, the two weren't really related, but you know how doctors are -- always telling you to do this or that to be more healthy, and for the most part I listen to mine.  But that means I'm back down to ONE Diet Coke a day.  That would make me sad, but all I have to do is play that game "Remember When" and think about how I was drinking NO Diet Coke AT ALL during the first two weeks after every chemo session.  That reminds me of how far I've come.

Life is definitely looking up.

In my mind, I won't really know if the chemo was worth it until I've lived more than a couple of years from my diagnosis, or better yet, until I've come off the hormone suppression drugs I'll take for five years.  My doctors have a different point of view on this:  after surgery they'll put slices of my various body parts under a microscope and see how small my tumor is to determine how effective the drugs were for me.  If I'm very lucky, no cancer cells will survive and my tumor will be non-existent.

I'm not banking on that, but I am hopeful that they will find none remaining in my lymph nodes.

All this talk of what I'll know in just a short period has me shivering with anticipation of the next big step, surgery.  I'm supposed to go in for both operations a week from today, and I really hope my surgeon's office calls me soon (first thing in the morning would be nice!) to tell me that the date is confirmed so I can quit worrying that it might get delayed.  Hopefully by this time next week, I'll be spending the night in the hospital with drains coming out of holes where my boobs used to be and I'll have three little incisions  steri-stripped across my belly.

Amazing the things I have come to look forward to, but that's where I am in life.  As a friend of mine recently pointed out to me, at least my cancer can be removed.  Hers is inoperable.  So yeah, it sucks to think that I am going to wake up without boobs and ovaries and a bunch of lymph nodes, but my situation could be a lot worse.

It's all about perspective, and I'm trying to stay focused on the long term goals here.  If anybody's got any advice on how to do that, I'd love to hear it.  Most days are easy enough to stay on track, but the occasional bad day throws me off my game, and I could use any tricks or tips anyone else has.